Chrysalis – A Personal Transformation

It’s been a while since I’ve sat where I am today. It feels as though an entire lifetime (or several) has passed since the last time I had an entry on the blog. I guess it’s been quite the journey for me in my personal life in the past years.

When I started this blog I was more in tune with the universe and myself as I’d ever been. It took me on so many adventures that I never even dreamt of. So much information, so many messages, so many tools to discover and experiment with. I was overwhelmed but excited! like a little kid that finds something they love to do and just wants to do it as much and as often as possible. I was fortunate to find people whom my messages and overall perspective resonated with, which in turn fueled my drive as well as my creativity and inspiration.

Somewhere along the line, it became more overwhelming than exciting and I started to put oh! so much pressure on myself, demanded perfection, consistency and connection. It somehow felt forced, I felt a severe loss of creativity. My inspiration also took a hit. It wasn’t up until a few weeks ago that I finally was able to identify one of the things that I’d been forced to face and call it by name: Impostor Syndrome.

For those of you who don’t exactly know what that is, the definition is this:
“the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”

Now, I haven’t gotten to the root of where it came from in myself but, I was able to recognize what it was that I was feeling and experiencing. There was a point in which I found myself asking “Who am I to be coaching/guiding anyone in their lives?”, “How can I intend to share my craft or advice when I haven’t been formally trained or have academic background to support my perspectives?”, “What if I’m doing more harm than good by sharing my perspectives, opinions and practices?”, “There’s people that do so much more and so much better than what I do, why should people see my stuff?”. So much came and went in my head. Anxiety and apathy took over. While all of this was going on in my spiritual life, my personal life was also being quite challenged.

I noticed at some point that I had stopped doing it for my own enjoyment and paying attention to my own experiences, feelings and perceptions, but instead I somehow had turned to look at what other people were doing, what I “should” be doing, what I thought I “had” or was “expected” to do, what would be interesting to more people and so forth. Obviously, this is one of the reasons why I unintentionally severed my connection with everything. I lost my essence, I forgot my own intentions, I let my mind, fears and outside noise call the shots. I started to feel paranoid that my messages and content were no longer resonating with people thanks to this disconnection due to audience decreasing, engagement, likes, etc. All in all, it seems I just lost my way a little.

I did miss it terribly. All I wanted was to feel that initial drive and excitement I had in the beginning of my journey but I didn’t know how to get back to it. So, I did the work. I went through the muddy process, I went into the shadows in hopes of finding my voice again, my light and inspiration. I have to say, it was hard. Harder than anything I’ve done in a long time. Little by little, I was able to slowly pull myself out of those dark spaces while observing and trying to understand them. Here’s a cheat sheet of some of the stuff that I wound up with:

Remember to do whatever you do with your heart and not just think yourself into it.
Remember that in times of challenges; small, consistent steps are what feel like wins.
Remember that even though it might seem like a cliché, the more genuine something is, the more power it has.
Remember everyone has their own strengths, challenges and traits that are different from ours.
Remember that your experience IS what creates your perspectives and the work that you’ve put into yourself now CAN have a helpful impact for those around you.
Remember to check your own expectations and the root of them. Do they come from your initial intention? Did they diverge from what you initially wanted?
Remember that a lot of times, YOU’RE what’s standing in your way of getting what you desire.
Remember you don’t need to be perfect and do what’s right for you.
Remember to do your best in moments you can. Don’t judge yourself for those moments when you can’t give 100%.

And one of the most important ones: Remember that your thoughts and mindset DOES have an extremely strong impact on how you choose to manage challenges. Be patient and kind with yourself. No one is as hard as we are on ourselves in times where what we need is love, patience and understanding.

I decided to make some changes to the blog, images, logo, name and more. but it’s still the same soul behind the words and all of it. This felt like a necessary rebirth. A new beginning with new intentions and hopes. I hope to create heartfelt content for a long time. As best I can, when I can. Connected. Inspired. Being respectful of what I need and feel but never forgetting my intention to hopefully impact others around me in a positive and helpful way.

Thank you for being a part of the crazy ebb and flow of my cosmic waters.

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